10 posts from May 2008

There has been so much going on lately, but I'll just state what's on my mind now: my To Do list.

1.  Get a Job.  I am going to get a butt load of applications to fill out and then turn in in order to look at my options.  yesterday I asked someone at Dollar General for an application (I'm not picky) and she said you have to be at least eighteen.  This shocked me because I've known people that worked there at seventeen.  I am suspiscious she just doesn't like me, so my friend (who looks WAY older) is going to ask her again and if she gets an application I will get to the bottom of this.

2.  Stay in shape.  Yesterday I walked a good two miles and today I am going to walk more.  I could sooo be a New Yorker-walking is a fun way to just think.

3.  Get a heathly sleep routine.  I have trouble getting to sleep, so I am going to start meditating before bed.  And I am going to arrange my room so I can feel more relaxed.  If I don't, the "aliens"* in the attic will keep me up all night.

*Maybe it's really angels, but either way there are actual footsteps up there at night.  And in the day.  It gets creepy.  Like just last night I was on the phone when I heard someone come into my room ( you know that high pitched sound and the feeling?)  And my house phone clicked off for no reason.  I called my buddy back and I heard those clicking noises like on the baby monitor on Signs...wait that wasn't relevant.  Oh well.

4.  Knit presents for Aaron and Ashley for a house warming gift.  My sister is in her house in Germany, so I am giving them homemade house warming gifts. 

5.  Study for the ACT.  In small daily measurements, I'll practice.  Today I am using the practice booklet and I'll time myself.  I've also got to learn the basics of trigonometry.  Whatever that is.

6.  Get my permit (I keep on putting this one on hold- A LOT  of things come up).  More studying, 'tis all.

Oh, and that emo-itis?  Still have it.  Last "Occurrance" was yesterday.  It was bad.  A friend sad it sounded like depression, but I don't think so(I still have motivation).  It's still scary, but I've been living with it.

 

Well it's off walking before I get too tired.  If you're commenting, tell me your summer goals.

 

I found this article online at http://www.everything2.org/index.pl?node_id=158837

I have wondered about this topic quite often and I am now motivated to actually write about it. My topic is basically this: Swearing, cursing, profanity, whatever you want to call it, should not be considered bad.

Through my many years of life Its become apparent to me that swearing has become part of my vocabulary. In part because at one time it was dangerous to swear and currently because darn and shoot just don't seem to cut it. I was doing some thinking and decided what's the big deal anyway, everyone does it and a relatively small portion of people I hang out with are bothered by it. As a generation I think that we are sophisticated and intelligent enough so that we have been able to overcome the taboo that is swearing. Now I guess society could be blamed but I'm not sure blame is necessary. If you consider that the Baby Boomer generation overcame the taboo of sex this is not a big deal. There is "sex" on television these days I say "sex" because it's usually implied. When I see two adults under the covers and at just the right time they cut to a new scene I generally get the idea that they had sex.

So I wonder, "What is so horrible about a few measly words?" No one gets upset if you scream out "ARRRGGG!" so why do they act so shocked if you drop the "f-bomb" (I have decided not to swear out of courtesy). If I could I would perform a study on this subject but I obviously don't have the time. The best I can do is theorize that if people would not be shocked by such language, there would be no such language. Yet I also believe that such a scenario is not likely to happen because, some one will always find a way to shock and disgust people whether or not by words alone.

This brings me to a perplexing question: "Why do humans get shocked in the first place?" Some might say it's because we are the only hyper-intelligent being on Earth or even the universe (that's another paper entirely). I'm not sure that I can accept that, when modern man was still in it's infancy, I don't believe we got shocked by anything that others may have, well, grunted or physically done. I think that this whole taboo around swearing came about because of the way we now live our lives. I believe that most people have something lodged in a very uncomfortable place and that they need to pull it out so that they can finally sit and relax. In other words people are too uptight these days.

So in a nut shell, I think that people should be allowed to socially swear without worry. I also believe that day will never come because when we can accept today's current profanity some one with just come up with more. And that in general people desperately need to relax and have a time to unwind.

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This subject was inspired by a conversation with a friend of mine.  To sum up the reading on this page, cursing was a form of witch craft.  However God himself and Jesus (I added that one) did it in the Bible.  Why don't Christians do it?  I know this sounds dumb, but still.  It's not witchcraft anymore (the kind I'm talking about)and I bet there were a lot of things that were considered such in those times.  And all it is is saying a few words.

But then again in the bible there are a lot of places where it says basically, to watch your tongue.  And, true the bible didn't really curse-no words are out of context that I've seen.    

Cursing is basically wishing misfortune on someone(the kind I am not talking about).

But what about saying "Fuck" when you spill lemon basil paint on your shoe?  It's just like saying "Darn".  And does that mean you burn eternally in hell just for mumbling it?  I was just thinking... 

 

Fears.  Mine?  Needles.  And guess who has to face it if she was to visit her beloved family in Germany?  I shudder at these sentences.  Most people in my family share this fear.  My dad had some kind of accident and couldn't bare to to see the IV in his arm. 

That was the one time I saw him shed a tear.

My sister almost jumped out of the window when she was way younger, but the doctor caught her.

When I was still in elementary, I ran out of his office and down the hall.  I was upset that no one even bothered chasing me, but then I realized I couldn't drive and I didn't know the way home, so I had to turn back.  They were waiting for me.

Yes, this is the girl who hypervinalates when she gets a PPD.  It took 30 minutes for me to calm down-I had to lie to myself and say it was a mosquito bite. 

Ugh. 

Unless I don't have to get my shots again.  I mean, we could get my records- I probably won't have to do anything, really.  On to happier matters...

Yesterday I got home and mom wanted to take me shopping.  I didn't want to go.  Imean, why? I have more than enough clothes-why else would I give them away to those who need them or sow them into purses?  WHAT ELSE WOULD CLUTTER MY CLOSET??? But she said i had to go and I had to get at least one thing. 

We went some place new she'd heard about.  It was in the ghetto.  You know, where you get knock-off name brand stuff?  There was a really nice store I don't remember the name, but I got a purse and a bra and then walked into a beauty store for nail polish.

That was it.  But the whole time I felt like a mom because my neice was with me and there were a lot of moms there, too.  Ahneesah kept giving attidtude and that may have deceived people too, but oh well.  It's not like I'll see them again and they'll be all "hey, weren't you that teen mother I saw attempting to punish your child for her attitude?"    

I'm pretty pissed.  I just told the best story of how we got our van back, but the computer erased it and I don't feel like retyping.  Maybe another time.

 

 

Saturdays are our family days at my house.  Yesterday I wanted a baked patatoe for dinner, so we headed out to Walmart.  After we had all we needed, grabbed a bunch of stuff we didn't need and were about to pay for it all when we realized my mother's purse was gone. 

Someome stole it.

So we walked around searching, looking in other's baskets, talking to workers and departments until our legs hurt.  We just decided to leave because it was too late.  Outside it was storming really bad.  We searched for our red minivan until we realized it was gone.

the purse had keys to the van-with a remote.  Whoever it was has my mother's social security number, keys to our house, our address is somewhere in the van, money, everything but her cell phone.

I never thought it would happen to us.  My family was stuck at Walmart and we had to bum a rie off of a family friend from church, Decan Davis. 

Of course we contacted the cops, the credit card companies and insurance peoples.  Want to know something weird? I had a deja vu of being in the Millington police's office.  I had seen it all in a dream. 

Some family day.  And all that becuase I was out of my fancy facial cleanser and wanted baked patatoes.

Today is Mothers' Day!  That is something good.  And at my church we celebrate it as women's day-so all young women and moms got presents and "Bless you"s.  That was cool.  The weird thing here was that Antonio asked my mom to go to a Mothers' Day concert with him and he'd pay. 

Antonio is a kid that goes to my school and he is a church member.  And awfully friendly, might I add.

So currently, my mom is watching First Sunday (rolling eyes) with my niece in the living room.  I'm here and being grateful for the stuff that guy didn't take-he could have had my house, you know.  Thank God.

I've taken up a lot of crafts, like making purses.  Some friends saw mine and want me to make them one.  I'd show you, but Vox isn't accepting these pictures.

I've also taken up knitting just a few hours ago.  I'd better continue-it's a fun hobby.  Confusing, though when all you have are youtube videos to instruct you, but I got the hang of it and I never thought I'd be a fast learner.

Oh and I found an article that would describe what I'm feeling about religion right now:  Cosmo May 2008 it's called "religion by design" Here's the closest thing I found- http://jezebel.com/384817/cosmo-girl-choosing-a-religion-is-just-like-choosing-a-myspace-wallpaper  

 

Which life lesson do you wish you'd learned sooner?

In order to have an honest answer, I would have had to actually learned something from life.  The only thing I've really learned is why it's worth loving people when it hurts when they leave-they always do, or hate you later or...die.  It's wabi sabi.  You know, that Japanese philosphy?  It's all about the beauty of things imperfect (life), temporary(love) and simple(me).  Loving someone won't last forever and that's what makes that time more beautiful-because especially after death-you won't have that time again.  So it's worth the pain.  I guess I have learned one thing.

It's the end of the world.  Oh no, just the school year-even better.  Today band members had what is called podium day-basically senior goodbyes.  My band friends were all crying in fourth period.  There were year books and free time in classes wher you'd been busy in all year.  Next week in choir there will be parties (yes, plural).  People are giving stuff away like free choir shirts (I got one) and hugs and "I love you"s and simple stuff that makes us happy.  I'm in a hurry to turn in my assignments and take exams.  I think I'll be fine this summer-not seeing too many friends until next year and all.  aNd even then some people are moving and seniors are doing what they do.  Next year most of my friends will be juniors.  I like that.  I'll be in more clubs.  That's great. 

I haven't listed much in a while, so...Summer goals:

1. Go visit Aaron and Ashley.

2. Get rid of my niece.  (I meant that as a joke-she's kinda cool.  Maybe I'll miss her when I'm lonely)

3. ACT. 

4. I am looking at the Orpheum thing.  I just want to see my friends and people I don't know-I hope there won't be a lot of people from school there.  I hate seeing them somewhere else.

5. Write more interesting blogs.

6. Don't forget to blog.

7. Piano lessons.

8. Quit drum lessons.

9. Maintain a healthy weight.

10. survive without getting bored.  Perhaps keep in touch with friends.

That feeling is back again...what I blogged about last.  It's definitely NOT depression.  Tonight I feel scared and sad and it's really creepy.  Sometimes really bad for a few minutes to the point of tears.  Almost like something terrible is going to happen.  It's like:

Lacrimosa dies illa       That day of tears and mourning

Qurisurgent ex favilla     From When ashes shall arise

Judicandus homo reus  All humanity to be juged

Huic ergo parce Deus.  Spare us your mercy oh Lord.

-Mozart.

a total of all of my "symptoms"

1.  having to pause and breathe really deep or else I'll get nausia.  Some times rocking back and forth helps

2.  moments where I can't concerntrate on ANY ONE THING

3.  sudden fear, sadness, loneliness, depression- sometimes a great deal in a few seconds and then it fades for a while and then gets intense.

It's not an anxiety attack or stress.  It comes usually after a great day our a fun activity.  It think I'm going to try to talk to someone-but who?  Hmmm...I have absolutely no idea.  My parents would just pray for me and leave it at that.  What kind of doctor deals with this stuff?  ...or conselor?  Ugh.

 

Depression Test

Depression is one of the most prevalent and serious mental illnesses in the world today. Approximately one in four women and one in eight men experience at least one bout of depression in their lifetime. Depression is a biological illness, one that often has a devastating impact on behavior, thoughts and feelings. Although depression can be triggered or worsened by specific events or problems as well as depressive thought patterns and personality traits, medical research has shown that it occurs as a result of a chemical imbalance in the brain. Almost every one of us has, at one point or another, experienced feelings of unhappiness, "a blue mood" that could be associated with a disruptive life event - but true depression entails a pervasive feeling of sadness that impairs our general functioning and lasts for more than two weeks.

Snapshot Report Worry about Judgment of Others  63 When you experience a setback or problem in your life, one of the issues on your mind is what other people will think. You may believe that others take pleasure in your problems, that they feel sorry for you, or that they are otherwise judgmental of you. Unfortunately, this attitude can lead you to feel worse about your problems than you need to. It also means that you may be less likely to seek comfort from others when you are in emotional pain.

??

I don't know what it is; no matter what I do I have this painful lonliness in my chest.  Especially after doing something great.  I've ignored it for at least a week, now, but it's getting worse.  I've done some research:

Symptoms of depression include:

• Trouble sleeping or excessive sleeping
• A dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss
• Fatigue and lack of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and inappropriate guilt
• Extreme difficulty concentrating
• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability
• Inactivity and withdrawal from usual activities
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

I've got seven, but I've always been fascinated with death.  It's like I look at someone happy and then it hurts.  I do something fun, but it doesn't go away and gets worse afterwards-probably because it's over.  Even reading gives me this feeling.  Maybe it is just loneliness.  I have it now because I feel like a dork-blogging about my emotions.  Who DOES  that?  Besides Taylor, that is. 

	Anxiety Index
Your score = 83

What does your score mean?

According to your score on the Anxiety Test, you are quite anxious - more so than most people around you. Your anxiety seems to have become problematic in your day-to-day life. It could be holding you back from doing necessary things, putting a damper on experiences that have the potential to be wonderful, or causing some problems in your relationships. The good news, though, is that you can change. Step one on the road to recovery is realizing that suffering from anxiety is not your fault. And know that you are not alone - a large percentage of people suffer from various degrees of anxiety. Consider talking to a professional who can help you get over your anxious feelings.

1.  I'm still doing necessary things(unless you count a few things)

2. yes the second is true.

3. the people around me (who I scare most) know I'm insaine with my moods- that's just me, doesn't count.

4. I don't have great relationships-that's why I'm lonely.  Nobody knows me at all.

This is how I feel-somewhat:

 

And all of these...

It's also like when I try to be happy or see hapiness I feel sad and when I try to think of why I'm so sad I'm happy.

these are the main symptoms of emo-itis.

Memphis in May was great.Imagine...
The smell of alcholhol, cigarettes and everyone smelling as if they'd peed themselves. The feel of the rain on your face as you scream lyrics to every song. the lights and the thunderstorm on cue to every heart-throbbing vibration the band makes.  Honestly we were standing in rain with the lightening and everything. Jumping up and down to the beat as you are COVERED in rain, your neighbor's beer, and probably some drunk chick's pee. Enough second hand smoke to give you cancer just that night. your recording device in the air waving around catching everything to share with friends later.

And Gerard way telling you "I'm not wearing any f****** underwear!" 

It was awsome (except for the pee part).

A lot has been happening and I am very greatful for it all, but at the same time things are getting so boring.  I have had nothing to do afterschool since Wednesday.  No kidding.  I

've watched the shows on television.                     

    

I've sang all the songs on my iTunes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've read the books in my shelves.

 

I've watched all the old movies, done all the crafts, thinked all my thoughts(yes, I said that on purpose) and hobbied out all of the hobbies.  And I still don't have anything to do for fun.  It's so bad I actually did my homework...at home.  What's next, I work on reports early?!? 

I wish I had something like All-West Honor Choir to work on.  Or a novel to write.  If only I had a wild passion for something.  Something that you could never get board with-something fresh.

Oh wait, I do.  Music.  Maybe I could decide which job in the industry is right for me.  I could write a song or two.  That sounds like fun.  I'll just take an old poem, glue myself to my piano's seat, focus and throw mood swings at anyone who happens to walk by.

I'll write some lyrics now, to warm up my creative cap.

 

 

And I know this sounds so fake, but isn't that what we really are?

Running around, playing give and take-you know you've never gotten far.

I've got all this time for these tempting thoughts that are swimming in my skull

to change me.

I've got all this time for these terrible plans that are swimmnig in my skull

to actually persuade me.

Who knows?  I just might let them take over. 

People change.  When you love them they leave, or die or change.

Why can't I?

 

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Corny, I know.  I don't usually write poems, I just enjoy them.  Plus free verse writers miss some great challenges.  Ugh.  I'll continue in a notebook.